My first birth - a Journey from Terrified to Empowered.
First Time Mum, Home Birth turned Hospital Transfer
I think the birthdays of our children usually encourage reflection and over the last few days, as I think back to my labour and the birth of my first child (as well as the birth of my mothering journey), there is so much about it that I can remember so clearly - even after all these years!
I cannot believe it was back in 2006. Her birth was such an influence on my desire to support parents as a doula and childbirth educator. And ultimately my experiences on my first pregnancy have led me to where I am today. Doing a job that I love - supporting families in the birth and postpartum period and training and mentoring doulas around the world. I feel so lucky to have work that I am passionate about AND that also helps to make a difference at such an important time in a person’s life. I do have to pinch myself at times as this work is so different to what I ever thought I would be doing!
I had been interested in birth from a sociological perspective long before I became pregnant myself. I wrote my college dissertation on the medicalisation of childbirth and was attending birth conferences in my 20s. However, I had always been sure I would not have children. And then my 30s hit and I started to think perhaps it might be nice to have a baby (the shock I had when my thoughts became to change was huge, after years of being absolutely sure). And then we began to actively start trying for a baby. That took time - we were 18 months TTC. I am not one of those women that can get pregnant easily.
When I became pregnant I had a few days of excitement and then bam it hit me - I was going to have to have a baby!!! The fear and anxiety kicked in and that is what led me to look for birth preparation that would support my fears and help me manage the pregnancy (let alone the birth). I will write more about that in another post some day, but just to say I was lucky enough to have a doula and she thankfully suggested I take a hypnosis for birth with a new teacher in Ireland - Tracy Donegan. This course helped me hugely and by the time the birth arrived I was excitedly anticipating my labour rather than dreading it. (I had taken another childbirth course before this which hadn’t helped my fears - but instead increased them, and I had also taken the hospital classes which tried to offer information such as comfort measures, but didn’t quite cover enough).
I had booked in to have a Home Birth under the Cork Home Birth Scheme with midwives Mary Cronin and Ellmarie Coleman supporting me. The antenatal support was incredible, every appointment was relaxed and I never felt rushed. I had lots of time to ask questions, and I got to know my 2 midwives so well before the birth - which helped me feel reassured and built my confidence before the day itself.
Originally when we went for our first scan I was told that my due date was 22nd February. We were surprised at the time as we had thought by our own dates it would be March. I remember we asked the sonographer if the scan dates could be wrong and she said no. As first time parents we just accepted this, since we weren't completely sure about our own dates. I didn’t know to question it - especially with such a difference between our dates and the scan dates.
February 22nd came and went and there was no sign of labour starting. I was fine with this was I was hoping my baby would be born in March. This would mean an extra 2 months of maternity leave for me, so I wasn't unduly worried and felt very relaxed. By 8th March, however, the hospital were putting a lot of pressure on me to come in to be induced. (I had a horrible meeting with the consultant who was quite nasty about me asking for a few more days before induction and annoyed I was hoping to have a Home Birth). Under the Home Birth Scheme I would have had to have the baby within 14 days of my official estimated due date. After that I would have to discharged into the hospital. So I was feeling pressure all around to have this baby.
Mary Cronin had given me a sweep to see if it would help move things along but it didn't. I took some Castor Oil and I also went to see an acupuncturist who had a great reputation at helping to kickstart labour. I had the appointment for 5pm that evening (8th March) and just before I sat up on the bed for the treatment, my waters released. It was a strange sensation. On TV, labour usually starts with waters releasing and it always looks so dramatic. This was not - though I had a good joke with the acupuncturist that she was even better than I had heard as she hadn't even put a needle in and things seemed to have started!!!
After getting some towels and drying off, I had my treatment, which was so wonderful by the way (I resolved to get acupuncture more regularly on my next pregnancy). I had planned to go out to dinner with my 'labour team' - my husband David, my Mam and my two close friends Gwen and Tracey who were acting as my doulas.
My Birth Team (minus David who was taking the pic): L-R: Gwen, my Mam and Tracey
I felt fine, so I just phoned my Mam and asked her to bring in a change of clothes for me, as well as some sanitary towels. David picked me up and we headed to Liberty Grill (one of my favourite restaurants in Cork) for a bite to eat. When the gang arrived I went into the toilet and changed my clothes. We had a lovely dinner and I could feel surges throughout the dinner, but they were so mild I was able to eat and have a fun evening. At about 8.30pm we headed for Midleton. In the car going home my surges began to pick up pace. We got back to the house and my 2 midwives, Mary and Ellmarie, arrived to check me out. I changed into lovely white brand new PJs (the midwives thought this was hilarious).
We set ourselves up in the sitting room: birthing ball, candles, music, TENS machine. The midwives left saying they would see me later at some point, and everyone - except myself and David - went to bed. I laboured throughout the night. I have snippets of memories: rolling on the birth ball (this was heaven), groaning, listening to my music, listening to the Hypnobirth CD, the relief of the TENS machine. The lovely smells from the aromatherapy blends that I had blended for my labour. David would massage my bump and back in between the surges and it was so relaxing and helpful. The smells calmed me. According to David I fell fast asleep between a lot of the surges, snoring away (but since I don't snore I doubt this)! I felt so cosseted and cosy, so enveloped in peace – we ended up going down to just one small tea light, as I preferred it to be dark. Around 4am David was feeling tired as he was getting no sleep at all, so he went to bed and my friend Tracey took over. Fair play to her – modern technology of any kind is completely stressful for her, but she managed to operate both the TENS machine and the stereo remote control with just the one tea light!!! (This was no mean feat for her!!!).
When daylight came the mood changed. I was getting tired and Gwen came down and suggested a shower – this was great as it really revived me and gave me a change of scene. Then I had a bite to eat – I couldn’t manage much but it did help (again on Gwen's suggestion, I probably wouldn't have thought to eat myself).
Then it was on with the radio and we had Ray D'arcy and the team to occupy us (I love listening to his show, so it was great to be in labour during it – I even tried texting him in). I still felt so cosy. At one stage I was leaning over the birth ball and both Gwen and Tracey were massaging my feet – bliss. At times I would find myself struggling and I would just repeat one of the affirmations from the CDs I had been listening to and this would help. By this stage the TENs machine was just feeling itchy and was annoying me, so I took that off.
Ellmarie came out and checked me and said I could put the birth pool up (Mary had flown off to Prague at this stage as I had gone much further over my dates than anyone expected). The pool was lovely, the heat really helped and I could just float back and forth when a surge came. Gwen put hot towels over my back – this was divine and I would nearly go through labour again for this!
Labouring in the pool with the hot towels on my back. David has food that he was giving me nibbles on and he was reminding me to use ‘horse lips’ to help me manage the surges. And Ellmaire was always there - reassuring and supporting me.
I still remember feeling so cared for and loved and enjoying the labour throughout the day. Even with feeling more confident about the birth I am not sure I would have ever thought to use the word fun when I was thinking of labour - but it was. It was also hard work and intense at times and the Affirmations and Tracks I was listening to were a huge help in maintaining my focus and helping me stay calm.
Probably my favourite picture from my labour - look how joyful I am. (And yes I am also working really hard, but that smile shows how much I was managing it all and enjoying it).
I have to say that even having done the Hypnobirthing, I was dreading transition slightly. I needn’t have worried. This was probably one of the nicest parts of labour for me as I went totally into my own world – I was in a blissful haze and it wasn’t unmanageable at all – I didn’t realise it was transition until later – so there you go. It was a very dreamy state and I felt so spaced out (in a good way). I was super relaxed and being in the pool helped immensely. It was amazing and not at all like I had imagined (thankfully!). Again it was intense and I needed to keep my focus as every now and again I would have wobbles and doubt that I could do this - but thankfully the affirmations would bring my focus back to feeling positive again and my birth team’s support was also a huge factor in helping me feel I was coping and managing.
After this I came back totally into the room – everything cleared up – this was about 4pm. I was really excited at how easy the labour had been – I had no fears around the pushing, I had made it through transition. Little did I know!!! Unfortunately for me, the 2nd stage of labour never really kicked in for me. We tried everything: dancing, sitting on the toilet, running (well walking as fast as I could) up and down the stairs, I got back into the pool again. I did lots of squatting over the midwife's birth stool. I took herbs and homeopathy....the list was endless. I had a fantastic birth team of very experienced people and I tried all their suggestions.
Dancing away to try to get things moving again with my friend Tracey - night 2 of my labour. And I still felt amazing and was having so much fun.
I would get a few contractions and then nothing – I never had that overwhelming urge to push that I believe normally happens. My baby was making her way down the birth canal but it was SLOWLY! She was in great condition for all of this, her heartbeat never got erratic, but I was getting very tired. Ellmarie suggested going into hospital, but as both myself and baby were OK I wanted more time, so I declined.
I stayed at home until about 6am and then EllMarie suggested for the second time that I should go into the hospital. I was absolutely exhausted at this stage and though I could feel my baby's head, she was nowhere near crowning yet, so I agreed. I was worried myself at how tired I was and knew I needed some extra help.
After how I would cope with labour and fears about transition, having to transfer into hospital was probably one of biggest fears I had. I worried that the hosptial staff would be dismissive of me for trying to have a home birth and 'failing'. Thankfully my worries were groundless. The midwives could not have been nicer to us. Ellmarie, who drove us in, was able to stay which I appreciated. I was given synthetic oxytocin to strengthen contractions and see if we could get baby out.
The hospital was not as cosseted as home. There were so many people around - doctor's in and out advising me to take antibiotics, telling me I would have to have a forceps if things didn't move along (this was the Doctor who had been very unkind to me days before with talk of induction and the dangers of home birth). It was harder to focus but I managed to stay calm and found the midwives enthusiasm and confidence that I could do it really helpful. They were really supportive. At this stage I was exhausted, I wasn’t in pain I was just so tired and I wanted the labour to stop. In the end I agreed to an episiotomy (a surgical cut to the perineum) that another doctor (who was a lot gentler than the first one) suggested and Sadbh came out at last immediately after. I had my beautiful baby girl.
36 hours later - Sadbh finally arrived. I look so exhausted here and I was.
I have to say I am not a huge fan of tea, and I tend not to eat white bread, but that tea and toast they gave me was AMAZING!!! All of a sudden the exhaustion I felt just vanished. I was elated and so so happy to have my baby.
Looking a bit more revived here!!!
Feeding got off to a good start as thankfully I had taken a Breastfeeding Preparation Class and knew the signs (it had been such a busy night in the hospital I had no one around to help me latch her on or tell me she was looking for food, but I recognised the cues from the course and had an idea of what to do).
As I had been booked in for a home birth I wanted nothing more than to go home, back to my own bed and family (Davids parents, my Mam, my friends and lots of David’s siblings were by now in our house waiting to meet Sadbh and I wanted to be around them. It took a few hours of David regularly asking the hospital staff to do the checks they needed, but we were able to go home that same day and it was so so lovely to be back in our own house.
Sadbh meeting her Nanny (Angela) for the first time ❤️
Looking back I wonder if my fear of becoming a parent for the first time slowed things down. I remember Ellmarie saying that my baby would probably be here by tea time and while I felt excited, deep down I also felt a bit fearful. Throughout my pregnancy I had worries about how I would adapt to being a mother. I didn’t feel I had a space to talk about these fears as they would usually be dismissed. People would say I would be fine - but in my head I had worries, how did they know I would be fine? After years of not wanting children, how would that maternal switch just turn on. I know plenty of people who had mothers who did not enjoy this role - and even though it’s not often discussed in our society it does happen.
As Ina May Gaskin points out in her book Ina May's Guide to Childbirth - strong emotions such as underlying fear can impede the progress of childbirth (she talks about this specifically on pages 134-135). Although I had dealt with the fears I had around being in labour, I perhaps hadn't dealt with my fears of becoming a mother.
It may also have been positioning of baby - and I wasn’t aware of techniques that could have been used to change position of baby which I would be able to use today. None of us knew about Spinning Babies at that stage.
I was disappointed that I didn’t get to have my home birth and that I had to have an episiotomy but I was thrilled I was able to my stay calm throughout my labour. I was also very happy that I had such a positive labour experience, something I would never have imagined possible before I did the workshop with Tracy Donegan. I felt I had been given the chance to make decisions regarding everything that happened and was very happy i was able to labour at home for so long with such a great team of friends and family. Ellmarie was incredible throughout, she was so supportive and positive and full of advice. She must have been exhausted when we got to the hospital, but she stayed with me until Sadbh was born and even came back again that night to check and see how we were doing. The level of care with the Home Birth Scheme was absolutely fantastic.
And the aftercare was even more amazing. The midwives came out to support me every day for the first few weeks - helping me get breastfeeding established, listening to my feelings of overwhelm and reassuring me of what was normal.
Mary Cronin, SECM, weighing Sadbh on one of her many postpartum visits to support me.
The postpartum experience was intense to say the least. I was so unprepared for it. I had no clue about babies and didn’t realise that most of them don’t know the difference between night and day in these first few weeks. Again having an amazing support team helped. The postpartum care from the Home Birth Midwives was amazing. My doulas, my Mam and David’s parents were there to hold baby when needed, they fed me and bathed me and Gwen was the first person to tell me that it was impossible to spoil a newborn baby. She also introduced me to the world of baby wearing that was an absolute life saver for me with my Fourth Trimester Baby.
I am so grateful to have such positive memories of my first birth, it is amazing how vivid the memories still are all this time later. It had such an impact on me - leading me to change career and support families as they transition to parenthood. I still remember phoning Tracy Donegan and asking her to train as a GentleBirth Instructor just a few days after giving birth to Sadbh. I had been so terrified of labour before I had taken the workshop with her - so anxious that I was having panic attacks and could not enjoy my pregnancy. The difference the workshop and tracks made to my pregnancy was life changing. I was able to spend the rest of my pregnancy feeling calmer and I had so much confidence going into labour. I know it made a huge impact on my experience - helping me cope with the surges and the unexpected change of plans when I had to transfer into the hospital toward the end. It also prepared me to be able to ask questions and decline certain interventions when I was in the hospital. And it gave David huge confidence in knowing how to support me and how to advocate for me.
I also got to experience the power of doula support and it was so important to my labour that I knew I wanted to offer this to other families. David being able to catch up on sleep for a few hours was invaluable for when we went to the hospital - as it meant he wasn’t completely exhausted when it came time to advocate for my wishes. I also realised afterwards, just how much the suggestions to eat food and shower helped my energy levels and I felt so minded throughout my labour.
I was so glad I chose to birth with the Home Birth Scheme. I was given so much time to labour and I was able to do this in the comfort of my own home with medical support. The SECM’s were so professional that I always felt reassured (and I already knew from my college research of the safety of home birth). Knowing my midwives so well before labour was another factor in reducing my anxiety and fear. It’s been 17 years since I gave birth to my daughter and when I think of my doulas and midwives I just feel so eternally grateful and full of love for the support they gave me.
Finally all my preparation and support allowed myself and David to work together as a birth team. Yes I was the one in labour, but he was doing everything else I needed. Feeding me, massaging me, setting up the room so it was conducive to labour. I know when we see birth on TV it’s often couples screaming at each other - but I don’t think I have ever felt closer to David and his support was everything.
As I said above - I was very nervous about becoming a Mother before I gave birth - but once Sadbh arrived, all the doubt and worry about how I would adjust lifted. Those early days are so intense there isn’t a huge amount of room for introspection anyway but the doubt left me. I don’t think I have ever been on such an intense journey as I have since I gave birth to her, and I still feel like I have so much to learn - but I am so so glad I have been able to experience this and I will always be grateful for the positive memories of my birth.
Mary x
My “baby” today. She is unfortunately under the weather (recovering from a sore throat and head cold).
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